My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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