I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
this beer tastes like vomit already
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
