Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
