Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
