My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
