I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
His hands were made for my vagina.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
