I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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