just come out here and I will go home with you...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
