you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
