so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
