actually, I'm a sock model
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
