Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
