Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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