I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
