he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
