Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
