If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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