It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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