whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
