a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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