: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
