I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
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That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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