party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
