My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
