end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
