I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize