margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
