I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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