Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
