Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
