I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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