the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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