my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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