Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
