there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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