Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
