I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
