i need an iv and a liver transplant
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
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In America we eat man semen.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
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Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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