I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
