i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
