True but thats because hes a fetus.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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