did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
