just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
