As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I cut my penus on the lid.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize