My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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