I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
