Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
