somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
