i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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