I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
