I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
