So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
