Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
